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Monday, December 19, 2005

Any Time Make-outs

I wanted someone else to make this post but this is what she came up with which I don't like. Can someone please tell me that is "Making out" in the ATMs is the "kewl" thing these days? As of now, I would like to bow to the person who came up with this idea.
If you have read comments on the previous post then you do know how great Mr. Dixit is. I have done a lot of Orkutting to look at pretty girls but at times I come across some real good profiles and trust me it is a very rare phenomenon. Till date I have added only two people(Krithika and Mr. D) just because their profiles were too impressive but Mr. D's profile is the Pulp Fiction of profiles. I talked to him for about an hour couple of days back and he is even more impressive than his profile. I haven't seen him but I think he is really ugly because something has to be wrong with him. No one can make a perfect first impression.
I submitted my first job application today (CapGemini) along with the guy who has been my mentor in Kgp. We have been drinking since one in the afternoon and we nearly missed the deadline. During the 7 hour conversation that we have had, the bottom line is "The 60s aren't over."
It has taken me one hour and thirty minutes to write this.

P.S. I will be updating my blogroll very soon as three people on the already small list have stopped blogging. So, don't forget to leave your URLs if you are interested. That goes especially for you Sonnyboy.

Friday, December 16, 2005

Let the hatemail pour in.

Championing the cause of vapid cunts, and the hopelessly bourgeoisie everywhere is the concubine of Lucifer herself--Paris Hilton. It’s hard to imagine someone so utterly devoid of talent, who bathes in the mainstream aura of glitz and glamour with such self assured buffoonery, that’s its almost impossible not to deem it ‘self-parody’. Sadly...it can hardly be further from self-deprecation, as it would entail that the person possesses wit, intellect or at least a brain which is marginally larger than a Garbanzo bean. Her abnormal, fungus like growth over the moldy fixtures of the celebrity-driven media, started with her emergence on the scene as a socialite, and ultimately spread like a contagion to our disease ridden minds. The barrage of news-flashes and images beat us into submission, and we were conditioned to accept her as one of our own; failing to realize that we were actually dealing with a social parasite of the highest order; one with killer tits, but a parasite nonetheless. There’s nothing wrong with being smutty rich, and having a redundant existence. Not having to make the effort to even take a shit. To lead a life where your only concern is deciding whether or not to wear underwear to an elitist gathering. There’s nothing wrong with being spoilt too. Hell...she has my sympathy if she decides to beat an African midget to death every day; dancing on his tiny corpse while sporting a platinum lined Gucci handbag, and some designer wear by that whatshisface French fuck. What I cannot stand is her absurd insistence that she is not the dumb fuck we think her to be, but a charming, urbane and sophisticated woman of this world with a cosmopolitan worldview. Someone, who on no account should be compared to Pam Lee. Say it with me people...Bullshit!!! At least Mrs. Pamela Anderson, or Mrs. White-Trash-Rocker, knew her purpose in life was to titillate the demographic passing through the pangs of puberty, posing for playboy, and marrying every untalented, hack musician west of Baltimore...and she continues to spearhead that movement to this very day. Whereas watching Paris Hilton onscreen, is about as interesting as watching a leper trying to move his bowels, and just as disgusting. How the Queen’s language trickles from her tongue—

"I went to Wal-Mart for the first time. I always thought they sold wallpaper. I didn't realize it has everything. You can get anything you want there for really, really cheap."

Stupid Bitch!!

Alas, no vivisection of the mighty is complete without compelling evidence of their utter and unqualified damnation. Hilton recently gave an interview to MSNBC, and being the self loathing masochist that I am, I went and read the damn thing. Needless to say, I would have bellowed with murderous rage, had it not bored me into a coma first. If you desire a quick, though painful death, you may find it here--


For the ones with a somewhat tremulous disposition, I choose to take out some excerpts--

AP: Associated Press
Hilton: The Bitch

AP: Do you read what’s written about you? Do you pick up the tabloids?
Hilton: I don’t read any of it. I just look at the pictures to see what I was wearing last week and if it was cute.

Right...and the countless hours of preening in front of a diamond encrusted mirror don’t count because...??

AP: Do you read blogs?
Hilton: What’s that?

Seriously...kill this thing NOW!!

AP: Um, they’re these things on the Internet where people write about news and stuff.
Hilton: No, I don’t really read anything on the Internet except my AOL mail. I don’t like people who sit on computers all day long and write about people they don’t know anything about.

I know that you are a reprehensible skank worthy of a bullet to the head. Does that qualify?

AP: What did you want to be when you were a little girl?
Hilton: A veterinarian, but then I realized I could just buy a bunch of animals.


AP: So let’s talk about the movie. I’m sure you’ve had a gazillion scripts on your doorstep. Why do “House of Wax”?
Hilton: It’s a fun summer movie about teenagers. When I got the script, I went out and got the original and thought it was creepy and fun. And because of Joel Silver. I’ve known Joel since I was little so I was very excited when he asked me to be in one of his movies. He’s a Hollywood legend.

Fucking Hell...and I suppose Adam Sandler is the greatest thespian alive since Laurence Olivier!!

AP: What’s hot right now in entertainment? What TV shows do you watch? What music are you listening to?
Hilton: I only watch “The Simple Life.” I don’t have time to watch anything else. I like 50 Cent, Maroon 5, Britney Spears.

No Comments!!!

AP: What would your children’s names be?
Hilton: Paris and London.
AP: Paris for a girl? London for a boy?
Hilton: Yeah.

Original, eh folks? How do you tell mother and daughter apart….Whore Mark-I and Whore Mark-II?? Oh...and 'London'? How does she know he’s going to be gay?

Dirtying myself in a septic tank would be more of an enriching experience, than trying to make sense of a world where this stupid cow while rubbing our noses in concentrated dogshit, is still allowed to validate her worthless existence.

Tuesday, December 13, 2005

I am an art fag!

Watching Antonioni’s “Blowup”, I realize why I love the 60’s so much. An uber-cool depiction of the flower-power generation, the inherent aimlessness of its declining years, a subjective look at reality, and liberal helpings of surrealism. This movie is not about the 60’s. This IS the 60’s.

Based on a Julio Cortázar short story, it follows an impulsive, and talented photographer Thomas, played brilliantly by a relative unknown David Hemmings (Hey gorgeous!!!), and his romp through the streets of London; always on the lookout for subjects, and often just shooting whatever comes his way. By the way, the opening credits sequence is far too sexy for its own good. If I was to turn off the movie after the first five minutes, I’d have been completely satisfied, and rated it as an insanely good piece of cinema. “Blowup” happens to the coolest hundred minutes ever captured on film, and is one of the few times when the overall ambiance, actually manages to rise above a plot which is excellent in its own right.

Thomas exudes a growing disenchantment, and a tacit longing for some excitement and adventure. A sort of detachment from the “swinging” culture of sex, drugs and Rock ‘n’ Roll. It’s his camera which serves as a veritable window to the world; something which helps him find meaning amidst all the sessions shooting naked chicks (go figure!!). Anyway...under some dubious circumstances, we meet Jane, played by Vanessa Redgrave (just let me catch my breath here. Damn that woman is sexy.),
exuding all the allure of a pussycat, albeit a troubled one. Thomas has photographed her, along with a gentleman friend, and she is bent on getting them back...;this is the point where the perfectly arranged jigsaw starts scattering apart. A blowup of the photographs, reveals an apparent sinister and underhanded ploy at assassination, and Thomas sets out to investigate.

There’s no point in spoiling it for you any further, but even if I did, the movie still has enough balls to hold itself and you together till the very last frame. As I said...this is an exercise in objective reality. What makes something ‘real’ for a person? Is it his hopes, dreams, aspirations...and to what an extent is ‘reality’ affected by our perceptions or biases? The ending would be cherished and derided by an equally split demographic…but again, according to me, it all depends on how you choose to look at it. If you like ambiguity, and the chance to ponder the mysteries of Silver Screen offerings...have I got the movie for you. If not...just lose yourself in the brilliant imagery, the hyper kinetic cameo by the 'Yardbirds'(Jimmy Page and Jeff Beck baby!!!)and exchanges like:

Thomas: I thought you were supposed to be in Paris.
Verushka: [taking a toke of her marijuana cigarette] I *am* in Paris!

One hit of such pure, uncut psychedelia, and I'm hooked for life!

P.S. Shreerang, do not state the obvious.

Friday, December 09, 2005

Parenting Lessons

I don't know how relevant this is to most readers of my blog but I have found a way to keep children quiet for around half an hour. After spending last few days with my sister's kids I think this is a big accomplishment and the technique that I am going to tell you actually works.
I was forced to baby-sit not 1 or 2 but 8 kids (age range 3 to 8) when my sister along with the other "aunties" went for their evening walk. Generally the kids play outside but on that particular day they were a bit late and it was dark. Kids were not allowed to stay out in the dark and those people could not find a better scapegoat. Its not that I don’t enjoy company of kids but I am not particularly fond of looking after 8 kids for half an hour especially when Will n Grace is on. So here is the actual algorithm:
1. Tell the kids to make a circle.
2. Show them a Dairy-Milk.
3. Tell them the guy who keeps quiet for the longest period of time wins it.
That’s it. No frills. Nothing. And it worked. It worked magically. I saw Will n Grace peacefully. However, I had more than 1 chocolate, which was a good thing because two kids Manshika and Avarnita (yeah.. kids have such weird names these days) deserved full chocolates for their effort.

Bilaspur Cyber Cafes rock. This one has AC, a TV Screen, a surround sound system and a cute chick* as the person in charge. Cost: Rs. 20 per hour.
*Disclaimer: She is not cuter than you. You are the best.

I have finally got an idea for another novel. Yes this is my second, the first one was never completed and few months later it died in a hard disk crash. The bad part is that it would require some amount of background research. If you or someone you know works for a News network and is willing to help please email me at ravihanda@gmail.com

Thursday, December 01, 2005

Being a Fan

"People use the word 'fan' very loosely. You are a fan if _______ screen par hagga bhi maare and you enjoy that"
One of my friends, Swaminathan Balasubramaniyam, said this to me around 4 years back and today I realised that how profound his words were. I remember that day and the conversation because I saw Fight Club, American History X and Shawshank Redemption for the first time. Call me a loser but that was probably one of the best days of my life. I would give my right arm to have that feeling again. On that very day we sat down with booze and started to talk about our second favorite topic - Movies. Everyone was coming up with statements claiming that they were fans of this particular actor, actress, director, etc. At that point of time Swami came up with the quote mentioned above. I very strongly doubt that even Swami would remember saying that. We all laughed at it then but today I realised what it truly means. I saw a movie called "Ek Khiladi Ek Haseena" today which was no better than 'hagga' but I loved it. Why? Because it had Kay Kay in it. I was able to tolerate.. naah enjoy people like Fardeen and Feroz Khan. I have seen nearly all his movies and loved him in all of them. A few days ago I was talking to Bhatu and said that Kay Kay is going to be the next big thing but he ridiculed my statement by saying that he can never be a success in India because he cannot overact. Oh God! If nothing else at least make him the next Naseerudin Shah or the first Kay Kay.

P.S. I am going to Bilaspur for around 10 days tomorrow. Most probably I won't be able to make a post from there.