Mere blog pe jhagda kyun nahin hota

DC is really fat.
Phoenix bahut boring posts maarti hai.
Mani's sense of humor sucks.
Arnav poora quiz KQA se taapa thaa.
Nupur is a really bad in maths.
Coolcat is going to top CAT.
AOL is a stupid concept. Only people like Aekta can believe in it.
Surinder can't write isiliye boring fwds paste karta rehta hai.
Pradyot is dumb.
Reshma is like Pooh. Naah, not winnie but K3G.
TT is completely jobless. Jab dekho buzz maarke dukhi karti rehti hai.
almost_useless dhakkan hai.


Linux sucz.
Windows sucz.
Bengalis are too pretentious.
Panjus are too pompous.
All muslims are jehaadis.
Gultus, Diggs, Tams, Mallus. They are all the same... bloody stupid.
God is black.
God is gay.
God is dead.
I am God.
Rock n roll is noise pollution.
Cricket is too boring.
Footer is too boring.

Made this post in approx 5 minutes. A lot of time was spent in linking. I believe in everything I just said and this should not be considered funny.

Updated later:
This post was meant as a joke. And this update has just ruined it. Some people did not get it. Wasn't it obvious with the title of the post?

Uncyclopedia Rocks

On BUSH

George W.: Not a terrorist in sight. The "War in Iraq" must be working like a charm!
Jenna: That's specious reasoning, Dad.

George W.: Thank you, dear.
Jenna: By your logic I could claim that this pair of panties keeps tigers away.

George W.: Oh, how does it work?
Jenna: It doesn't work.

George W.: Uh-huh.
Jenna: It's just a stupid pair of panties. But I don't see any tigers around, do you?

George W.: (pause) Jenna, I want to buy your panties.

/********************************************************************/
On GOD
“Let God sort it out and then God can sort out whose God should sort it out.”

— Oscar Wilde on God

“I am God.”

— Oscar Wilde on God

“I’m going to fucking bury that guy, I have done it before, and I will do it again. I’m going to fucking kill God.”

—Steve Ballmer on God

“Ballmer killed God.”

— Nietzsche on God

“Boy, are you guys in for a Big Suprise...”

— God

“George Bush doesn't care about God.”

—Kanye West on God

/********************************************************************/

On SEX

“At twilight, nature is not without loveliness, though perhaps its chief use is to bone people's daughters without them knowing.”

— Oscar Wilde on Sex

This vagina-related article is a stub. You can help Uncyclopedia by stretching it

Botanical explanation
More specifically, The Sex is the a sexual technique usually known as "making whoopie," in which scientists believe the wee-wee must go into the woo-woo. The Sex is usually performed by human men on stoats, though a significant minority prefer little girls or little boys. According to an ancient superstition, performing The Sex on a girl is the only way to cure her of virginity, a disease usually caused by birth. However, The Sex can also transmit diseases far worse, including pregnancy and Roman Catholicism; in order to avoid these, the partners must find Jesus in their lives, accept Him as their personal Lord and Savior, and ask Him for a few dollars for a pack of condoms.

/********************************************************************/
Oscar Wilde Quotes

* "I didn't actually say this." ~ Oscar Wilde
* "I didn't actually say this either." ~ Oscar Wilde
* "Nor this." ~ Oscar Wilde
* "Didn't say it." ~ Oscar Wilde

* "Winston Churchill has better quotes than I. And has been doing it longer." ~ Oscar Wilde

* "No no no, on the second thought, mine are better. Yeah they are. Of course!" ~ Oscar Wilde

* "The only thing worse than being talked about is losing your car keys." ~ Oscar Wilde

* "The only thing worse than being talked about is losing your kidneys." ~ Oscar Wilde

* "The only thing worse than being talked about is being stabbed in the face repeatedly with an icepick." ~ Oscar Wilde

* "The only thing worse than being talked about is being sentenced to two years' hard labour for buggery" ~ Oscar Wilde

* "The only thing worse than being talked about is crashing into a hospital and having a bunch of angry nurses storm your car and smash your windshield and yell at you and then you get arrested. Trust me." ~ Oscar Wilde

Paheli is India's Official Entry for the Oscars

What has the world come to? What new depths will Indian Cinema fall to so that it can express its gratitude towards Lord Shahrukh Khan? Paheli has good cinematography but that's where it ends. The direction and acting were at best mediocre. The other films considered for the nomination were Mangal Pandey, Veer-Zaara, Iqbal, Swades, Parineeta, Page 3, Black, Sarkar, Hazaaron Khwaishein Aisi, Sachein (Tamil), Anniyan (Telugu), Uttarayan (Marathi), Achuvante Anna (Malayalam), Graham (Telugu), and Kadal (Tamil).

In an apparent justification in choosing Paheli over other contenders, Vinod Pandey, the Acting Chairman of the Film Federation of India, said, "Paheli has represented the Indian ethos. It is a film based on the Indian language." I would like to quote my FLAT(Formal Language and Automata Theory) Professor GB on this. Whenever I showed him a proof, more often than not he came up with the same answer,"I don't buy it".

I have seen all the Hindi films and I don't know about the rest. Mangal Pandey was a bad movie but so was Paheli. Veer-Zaara was a bit too much of Yash Uncle and hence does not stand a chance of winning. Iqbal had a concept which was new in India but there are many movies with a similar storyline made in US every year. Swades was too cheesy and hence it is ruled out. Oscars have a fascination towards original ideas which blacks out Black and Sarkar. Sudhir Mishra does not know how to market his movie and that is why HKA was a failure even in India. Frankly speaking it is my favorite of the lot. The marketing of the movie is so bad that if you visit their official website you will see Chitrangada Singh holding a gun and that does not happen in the movie. It looks like an ultra-modern movie where as its set in the 70s. You do need muscle to get an Oscar and Sudhir Mishra does not have it. So, HKA is also gone. That's it. I cannot think of a plausible explaination for leaving out Parineeta and Page 3. Both of them are much better than Paheli. They were quite successful in India and Page 3 was also successful at the awards. I still don't understand the reason behind the fact that they were beaten by Paheli. But that's just silly old me. May be Titanic was better than L.A.Confidential. May be Salman deserved the filmfare more than Manoj Bajpai. May be........

Bhavnaaon Ko Samjho

5 years ago:
I had just landed on the boulevard of broken dreams to find out that everything I believed in was just ____.

1 year ago:
I met my girlfriend.

5 songs I know all the words to:
Have a cigar, Unknown Soldier, Diamonds n Rust, Stairway To Heaven, Ranjish Hi Sahi


5 Snacks I enjoy:
Chicken Pizza, Chicken Roll, Momos, Habib's beef paranthas, Chicken Mouglai.

Things I'd do with $100 million dollars:
Open a record store, buy a library, buy a movie hall, buy all of dali's works, buy a poultry farm.

5 places I would run away to:
Goa, Jaipur, Rome, Paris, Woodstock

5 things I would never wear:
Mundu, fotua, boots, perfumes over Rs. 250, boxers.

5 favourite TV shows:
Sopranos, Seinfeld, Coupling, The Simple Life, Great Indian Laughter Challenge.

5 greatest joys:
Having sex, Eating chicken, Reading CITR, Listening to zep, doping.

5 fav toys:
Monopoly(rather Bazaar bcos that was the one i played), Stethoscope, Tri-cycle, Mobile Phone, the punching joker thingie (are yaar.. jisse mukka maarte hain to wo niche chala jaata hai and phir upar aa jaata hai)

Things have changed

I used to think:
1. American Pie is the best english movie ever.
2. Metallica is too loud.
3. Indian Ocean is boring.
4. TOI is a newspaper.
5. SRK is good.
6. Americans are way smarter than Indians.
7. I can sing.
8. Mobiles will not survive in India.
9. I will quit smoking when my girlfriend tells me to.
10. Cocaine, Marijuana, Acid are the same thing.
11. People who smoked were "gande bachche".
12. Movies can never be better than the books they are based on.
13. "Neele Neele Ambar Par" is an example of excellent guitaring.
14. I can learn a musical instrument.
15. Everyone is rational.
16. Everyone is smart.
17. Blogging is boring.
18. Women don't like gay-porn.
19. India doesn't have a market for porn.
20. Basic Instinct is porn.

Till today:
21. There are plenty of tatoo parlours in Kolkata.
22. I will never buy jewellery for myself.
23. Pimps don't approach people like me.
24. Good looking prostitutes are very costly.
25. Watching Mr. And Mrs. Smith cannot be fun.
26. No one cares if a girl smokes.
27. Ear piercing costs 10-15 bucks.
28. I cannot go to a random girl and ask her "Are you Sania Mirza?"
29. I can make a list with 30 points.
30. I cannot make a list with 30 points.

Wake Me Up When September Ends

Summer has come and passed
The innocent can never last
Wake me up when September ends

Like my father's come to pass
Seven years has gone so fast
Wake me up when September ends

Here comes the rain again
Falling from the stars

Drenched in my pain again
Becoming who we are

As my memory rests
But never forgets what I lost

Wake me up when Septmber ends

Summer has come and passed
The innocent can never last
Wake me up when Septmber ends

Ring out the bells again
Like we did when spring began

Wake me up when septmber ends

Here comes the rain again
Falling from the stars

Drenched in my pain again
Becoming who we are

As my memory rests
But never forgets what I lost

Wake me up when septmber ends

Summer has come and passed
The innocent can never last
Wake me up when Septmber ends

Like my father's come to pass
Twenty years has gone so fast
Wake me up when September ends

Wake me up when September ends
Wake me up when September ends

Mid-Sem Preparations

You Are 70% Weird

You're so weird, you think you're *totally* normal. Right? But you wig out even the biggest of circus freaks!

How Weird Are You?

How You Life Your Life

You seem to be straight forward, but you keep a lot inside. You tend to avoid confrontation and stay away from sticky situations. Your friends tend to be a as quirky as you are - which is saying a lot! You tend to dream big, but you worry that your dreams aren't attainable.

How Do You Live Your Life?

Your Personality Profile

You are happy, driven, and status conscious. You want everyone to know how successful you are. Very logical, you see life as a game of strategy. A bit of a loner, you prefer to depend on yourself. You always keep your cool and your composure. You are a born leader and business person.

The World's Shortest Personality Test

Your Career Type: Artistic

You are expressive, original, and independent. Your talents lie in your artistic abilities: creative writing, drama, crafts, music, or art. You would make an excellent: Actor - Art Teacher - Book Editor Clothes Designer - Comedian - Composer Dancer - DJ - Graphic Designer Illustrator - Musician - Sculptor The worst career options for your are conventional careers, like bank teller or secretary.

What's Your Ideal Career?

Your Power Color Is Indigo

At Your Highest: You are on a fast track to success - and others believe in you. At Your Lowest: You require a lot of attention and praise. In Love: You see people as how you want them to be, not as how they are. How You're Attractive: You're dramatic flair makes others see you as mysterious and romantic. Your Eternal Question: "Does This Work Into My Future Plans?"

What's Your Power Color?

Your Kissing Purity Score: 54% Pure

For you, kissing isn't a casual thing Lip to lip action makes your heart sing

Kissing Purity Test

Your Hidden Talent

You have the natural talent of rocking the boat, thwarting the system. And while this may not seem big, it can be. It's people like you who serve as the catalysts to major cultural changes. You're just a bit behind the scenes, so no one really notices.

What's Your Hidden Talent?

Your Hidden Talent

You have the natural talent of rocking the boat, thwarting the system. And while this may not seem big, it can be. It's people like you who serve as the catalysts to major cultural changes. You're just a bit behind the scenes, so no one really notices.

What's Your Hidden Talent?

Your Brain's Pattern

Your brain is always looking for the connections in life. You always amaze your friends by figuring out things first. You're also good at connecting people - and often play match maker. You see the world in fluid, flexible terms. Nothing is black or white.

What Pattern Is Your Brain?

Your Brain's Pattern

Your brain is always looking for the connections in life. You always amaze your friends by figuring out things first. You're also good at connecting people - and often play match maker. You see the world in fluid, flexible terms. Nothing is black or white.

What Pattern Is Your Brain?

You are Agonistic

You're not sure if God exists, and you don't care. For you, there's no true way to figure out the divine. You rather focus on what you can control - your own life. And you tend to resent when others "sell" religion to you.

What's Your Religious Philosophy?

Your Band Name is:

The Fried Suburbanites

Band Name Generator

Your Inner Child Is Naughty

Like a child, you tend to discount social rules. It's just too much fun to break the rules! You love trouble - and it seems that trouble loves you. And no matter what, you refuse to grow up!

How Is Your Inner Child?

Slow and Steady

Your friends see you as painstaking and fussy. They see you as very cautious, extremely careful, a slow and steady plodder. It'd really surprise them if you ever did something impulsively or on the spur of the moment. They expect you to examine everything carefully from every angle and then usually decide against it.

How Do People See You?

In a Past Life...

You Were: A Friendly Fortune Teller. Where You Lived: Egypt. How You Died: The Plague.

Who Were You In a Past Life?

Your Linguistic Profile:

40% Yankee

35% General American English

25% Dixie

0% Midwestern

0% Upper Midwestern

What Kind of American English Do You Speak?

R.E.S.P.E.C.T.

After reading a couple of long posts and even longer comments on Arnav's blog I have realised that this lady deserves a lot of respect. I added her couple of days back on Orkut, YM, Gtalk... (aur kuch bacha kya?). I know quite a few people who fought on these digital battlegrounds but I have rarely seen someone emerge out as a clear winner.
Read these posts and the comments on them to know the complete truth.
1.
2.
You will need a lot of time for this so don't say later that I did not warn you.

:O

A large number of people think that the emoticon =; stands for bye. Had a huge fight with one of my wingmates today and confirmed that it indeed stands for "talk to the hand". What did you think it was for? One of my friends Suhrut Kumar Panda, note this down as he might be the guy who scores 100 %ile in this year's CAT, thought that it was for Aashirwaad.

If any one of you is interested in participating in the contest mentioned in Brand Equity this week, please contact me. I have an idea but I don't have the means to put it into action.

Burn Baby Burn !!

I was watching "Almost Famous" for the 28.34th time couple of days back. I like this movie a lot rather I adore it. May be its because of its innumerable reference to "His Holiness Lord Led Zeppelin" or the song "Fever Dog" or "Lester Bangs" or "Kate Hudson" or the fact that I can live my dream of being born in the 60s through the lead character of the movie who eventually grows up to be a rock journalist. A quote from this movie which I have often used on people who don't appreciate rock n roll, is " Listen to Tommy with a candle burning, and you'll see your future." but I had never tried it myself. I finally decided to give it a shot and sat down to listen to it with a candle burning. The candle was given to me by Saurabh and the computer was loaned by Markose. I did not see my future but I did see the flame dancing to the beats of the music. I put on Godspeed by Brain Transeau just for the beats and to note the effect which I found, in my own words, "very kewl". I recorded it on a webcam and sent it to at least 50 people. The reactions were mixed. Some people found it O.K., some people found it good and the rest... well I would just say that they are not smart enough to appreciate it. A ":P" to all of you. Surprisingly quite a few people saw a tongue in the video. I can't figure out how that is possible. This candle phenomenon works even better with "Whole Lotta Love". If anyone of you is interested in the video, its just 140 kb, you can download it from here.

PS On a different note, this is for A. V. Varun from IIT M. If you are reading this, "Bad artists borrow, great artists steal".

Options are always open

Sometimes it happens that I don't get any ideas to write a post and sometimes I get so many that I get confused. It genrally depends on the time I spent surfing the net on that particular day or the amount I slept that particular night. As for today I didn't sleep at all and spent a major part of the night surfing/chatting. I could have blogged about:

/*******************************************************/

A female who "ACCIDENTLY" added me on GTALK, says that she is girlfriend of one of the bloggers I know and her phone number has the last 5 digits same as mine. I found the third part really freaky.

/*******************************************************/

A connection quiz
1. My wife's Murder and this painting.
2. Him at the 29th Oscar Awards and him
3. Scooby Doo, Stanley Kubrick

The sole intention of this quiz was to irritate people (specifically XX who is mentioned in the previous post) but someone on my right shoulder told me not to do it. If you still want to give this a try, go ahead.

/*******************************************************/

A poem about the big motherfucking moon. I did write it but I am not going to paste it.

/*******************************************************/

Interpretation of the song Kashmir with obvious references to LOTR. Bhatu, a friend who came back from the hospital today, would have been a major contributor in this post. He has interpreted this song considering the likes and dislikes of the band members and their tendencies towards drug usage. I will try to convince him to make this post on his blog but I doubt thats going to happen.

/*******************************************************/

A book review of the so called "Greatest Book Of All Times". I read LOTR for the first time this week and hated it. I hated it to the core. Its just too boring. I dont like the imagery Tolkien creates. I dont like anything he has created in the book. No, I dont hate Harry Potter. As a matter of fact I actually like HP. I think a large number of people like LOTR because its fashionable to like it.

/*******************************************************/

A doubt that I have regarding T.I.M.E. scoring system. I got the ranks 764 and 772 in two consecutive tests. In first test my marks were 1.33 above the cutoff and in the other one they were 4 below cutoff. Approximately the same number of students give the test each week then how is this variation possible. Here I would also like to admit that my funda regarding all this stuff is very low.

/*******************************************************/

A post on the various compliments that I got because of my new haircut. Fester Addams, Pablo Picasso, Dr. Evil, etc.

/*******************************************************/

A post about celeb bloggers. Shekhar Kapur, Zach Braff, Tom Peters, Nandita Das, Rahul Bose, Rahul Khanna, Anna Kournikova.

/*******************************************************/

I am Jack's complete lack of surprise

I was chatting with XX (a blogger) today and given below is a part of our conversation. The conversation was about Arnav and so I mailed it to him. XX didn't like that but she cooled down after sometime. I loved the whole drama :)

XX: how is it that you and arnav sound so much alike sometimes?
XX: sometimes its like both of you are the same person
XX: he also liked naam adaa likhna
XX: you also liked it
XX: i found more similarities also
XX: its like he's your good alter ego
Handa: i was about to type that "he is the way i present myself to girls"
XX: hahaha
Handa: and what do u mean by "good alter ego"
Handa: am i hyde ?
XX: you guys just might be the same person
XX: well he sounds more sensible
XX: and nicer
Handa: mere baare main bhi kuch bhala keh lo
XX: and he's six feet tall
Handa: uspar line maarni hai kya ?
XX: why wont he put his pic on orkut
XX: hehe
XX: nai, its ok
XX: tum ho na
Handa: he had his pic on orkut... he removed it sometime back
XX: oh
XX: too bad

Arnav, for obvious reasons, didnt like the fact that he was being compared with me. So he wrote a mail to me and her clarifying and denying that he has any resemblance with me whatsoever. Here is the mail that he wrote:


Hi,
XX, Handa and I are very different individuals! One way to prove that is that he's sitting in his
hostel in Kharagpur, while I am sitting in mine in Delhi (well over 500 km apart). You can check for yourself.
Thanks for those (rare) kind words. I hope this doesn't embarass you as much as it did to me. It would certainly not make you as delighted as it did to me. The reason for not having a pic on Orkut is that I don't have a soft copy of a pic of mine. Not even as part of a group. The one I had eatlier got lost and so can't replace the gollum pic with it. Just to give you an idea though, I look slightly better than Gollum, and the rate at which I have been losing hair might
resemble him pretty soon.
Handa, you are one crazy person!
XX, that's another difference for you. I am crazy, but in a different way!
Arnav

Fine, I get it. I am not a decent human being and I never wanted to be one. I always liked Tyler more. :)

One Night @ The Call Center

Chetan Bhagat, a mediocre author, is a marketing genius. He knows how to build on the existing consumer base. His second book which is titled "One Night @ The Call Center" is scheduled to release in October and he has started a marketing campaign. I read the synopsis which was available on his website and it looks to me that this is going to be a self-help book in the category of "The Monk Who Sold His Ferrari". If this assumption is correct then its going to be one pathetic sad book. I might be wrong and this is one time I would like to be wrong. Given below is a copy of the mail that he sent.

Dear All,
This email goes out to a special group of people - those that personally made the effort to write to me about "Five Point Someone".
I am pleased to share with you the limited release website of my second book which will release next month. The website is only for my readers, well wishers and their friends as of now. This time the topic is totally different - call centers. The book is called "one night @ the call center".
The link is:
http://www.chetanbhagat.com/mail.html
the password is 463
Yes, you can (and please do) share the password with your friends.
I thank you once again for your mails to me. I know I have not been able to reply to all of you yet - mainly because of the huge workload associated with the second book's release. I apologize for the same. However, rest be assured that I have read all your mails, some of them more than once. On days I am feeling down, it is your mails that keep me going.
Lots of love,
Chetan

PS. I shaved today. No not my face. Do you think I would mention that here? No you perv, not my balls. You got it right now. My head. MWAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

PPS. Is Rachel(haan bhai... apni rachel.. F.R.I.E.N.D.S waali rachel) a redhead or a blonde?

Sarcasm

I have found out that most people in this so called blog-world are new to the world of sarcasm and I hate it when people dont understand the tone in which the post/comment was written. So first of all I would like to state that my comment on this post was indeed a sarcastic one. Someone who goes by the name of Parijat Banerjee has gone beyond my expectations and has come up with something that I would like to call the best comment I have ever seen in the blog-world. The only sad part about the comment is that you have to read the relatively substandard post to understand it. It is the 14 comment from the top. Even if you miss out what I or any other guy wrote as a comment on that post do check out Mr. Banerjee's intellections.

Proud of being a Nehruite

Srivastava gave me these stats regarding the sales of newspaper in Nehru Hall

Hindustan Times - 42
Economic Times - 36
Telegraph - 29
Hindu - 19
TOI - 12

Check out PAGE 3 of blogging.